Today has been a difficult day to get through. nothing traumatic has happened, no event of unusual nature. just a rainy sunday. but i've just felt overwrought with emotions and feelings.
certain things bring up memories for me. small things i've written, images, music, even places. they remind me of events and times in my life, and not always good. there's one specific soundtrack that i listened to quite a lot while we were trying to conceive. i don't know why, there was something about it. It was the score to the movie the Fountain, which if you try to watch the entire thing, don't be surprised if you feel completely and absolutely emotionally destroyed and changed by the end. it makes you feel raw. you feel his loss and desperation. just as we were always feeling loss and desperation. people don't like to talk about the "other" side of trying to conceive. it's always "stay positive", "look at the brighter side", "it'll happen one day!". but what if never did happen? what if all you wanted to do was come home and break everything in your house because yet again, your body failed you. what if all you wanted to do was scream so loud you lost your voice? you hated the world..you hated your body. you felt betrayed. for me, every single little thing would come flooding into my mind. i'd sit and listen to that music and just cry. totally alone in my room, not wanting to give b anymore of my negative energy.
it came onto rotation on my itunes today and i've just not been able to concentrate. all of this still doesn't feel real to me. it feels likes like some weird dream limbo i'm in, where it's kind of real, but i'm still not quite sure. i was folding some of the baby clothes i've gotten, putting them in bins and whatnot, and it just felt like a task i was doing for someone. maybe this is how it feels for all fertility patients? do you just not feel connected?
the past (almost 6) years were so dark. no one really knew what we were going through. i didn't open up and tell anyone until the last 1.5. people probably wondered why i was always so depressed. why i couldn't just be happy or positive about anything life. you start to wonder where your life is going to go. what the purpose of it is. not to have one of the most human experiences you can have.
for right now i'll hold onto what i can for as long as i can. now it's not about me anymore.