Friday, September 25, 2009

September.

Our second IUI failed. I got my cycle again and had a mini meltdown to B. I didn't want to do it anymore. He said lets take a month off and relax. October is my favorite month, Halloween my favorite holiday. So we did. We lived life as a young married couple again, no worries of fertility issues, our emotional state. We went to haunted houses, we tried every kind of Pumpkin beer we could find, we went to movies, picked & carved pumpkins, hung out with friends, went to Salem for the first time the day before Halloween, had a Halloween party. Relaxed. Got closer.

It was like a breathe of fresh (fall) air.

Monday, September 7, 2009

2nd IUI

Now that im caught up in my fertility memoir if you will, I can start chronicling the very present.

Sept09: 2nd IUI on 9/7
Letrozole day 3-7, 2 ultrasounds, ovidrel shot on 9/5

I found out on Friday that we were good to go for an IUI on monday. My follicle got increasingly larger, quicker than the last time. It jumped from just barely 12mm to 17 in 3 days. I've kept my excitement at bay though. in all honesty, i haven't even allowed myself to be positive and positive or think ahead or any of it. this is just something i have to do, the same as get blood drawn or mail bills. another thing, another day. last time i got my hopes up too high and crashed down entirely too hard. so with that said, i was listening to the nurse tell me the plan and then she told me who was on call and would be doing my IUI. It was the male partner of the doctor team.

[Bit of history here: I worked for this couple in highschool, I was friends with their daughter in highschool, went over to their house, went on a vacation with them, I consider them friends, rolemodels, and i completely respect them in every which way.

finding this out was really really..just not good for me. i was already feeling totally embarrassed, he was like a dad figure to me in a way, and I also just felt ashamed of my body at that point, having to show parts I would NEVER in an effing million years want to show. but..i knew he'd be professional, though it just made my whole labor day weekend just anxiety ridden.]

My saving grace was that my favorite nurse was back again and I asked if she could stay in the room and she said absolutely. well it turns out..the woman of the team was going to do it, which made me feel..slightly better, but I was still nervous and just upset.

same thing, speculum, catheter. i kept talking to the RN who was holding my hand, trying to focus on her and nothing else. this time though, I had quite a bit of cramping. It was just moderate, but still kinda intense. This time though I had it spill back out..which isn't good. She said just a small amount, but I then had to lay there, with hips tilted up, for 20 minutes. After being given labs slips, I was on my way home already.

We decided to splurge and got breakfast and took it home and then literally i have done nothing. unlike last time when we decided to go see Harry Potter 6, I laid on my couch and watched movies with him, read a lot. folded some laundry..all that fun stuff. I had something in the oven slow cooking all day, so dinner was all set. i had a very relaxing day. and now i sit here waiting for my stud to get out of the shower.

when people who have had babies say they've lost a part of that humility and embarassment that comes with procedures involving reproductive anything, I truly believe them now. It's so difficult to lose the feeling of anxiety and almost I have to admit, shame, of doing these things. you have to remind yourself that this is what these professionals do, this is nothing new to them, it's only new to you. I know that still doesn't make it feel better when your sitting there reading this. but remember that if you ever happen to find yourself laying in a room, legs open and people talking about your husbands sperm as if it were just another item in the room. i've done it. you're not alone. you're not alone in feeling as if this is a task that you're not sure you can do. but you can.

First IUI

Aug09: First IUI cycle
50mg clomid, D3-7, 3 ultrasounds, 1 ovidrel shot

We had our first IUI on August 8th. The procedure itself went completely perfect. dropped the sample off at 8am, went and had ourselves breakfast and sat and just talked in the car with tea and coffee. went back at 9am. one of the nurses was there that I absolutely adore, and she's just so positive and friendly, so that made me feel extra at ease about it. the NP who did it was also wonderful, I've known her for a while, since highschool when I worked at the practice way back when it was in a different form. but i digress.

we even got to see the boys and girls under a microscope, that was awesome, totally indulging my inner nerd.

the set you up just as if you're having a regular pap exam, and then they put the sample into this long catheter that's put into your cervix and uterus. everything you read says that it's not painful or crampy, but it IS (for me) a little crampy. you can feel the catheter go in and hit the wall of your uterus, but after that initial cramping, I was ok. I had to lay there for 15 minutes and that was it. take it easy.

and i did. I took it easy for 2 weeks. Other than hurting my back and having that sciattica pain run down my leg, which makes me wonder if it had any adverse effects. though i can sit here and find something new that affected, so it's pointless for me to ponder it anymore.

HSG

I've taken a bit of a reprieve into myself the last couple of weeks just because frankly i couldn't handle the reality of it all. I've found a bit too much solace in retail therapy and i have come out the other end of the tunnel.

things don't work for a reason. things happen. i have to be patient. patience is a virtue correct?

Just shortly after starting this blog and writing down all my memories, I had my IUI and then the reality of it failing. I hadn't realized I hadn't written about my HSG. I know I actually haven't even written about my IUI yet in a form that's fully composed.

So here goes HSG.

HSG, for those who might know how, is a hysterosalpinogram. It's where they insert a catheter up into your cervix into your uterus, inject some dye that is then forced through your fallopian tubes and an x-ray is taken to see if your tubes are blocked.

The prep for mine was to simply take 2 tylenol and I was advised I could go about my normal day activities and go back to work no problem. you also have to have this on a certain day of your cycle too, but no other special prep needed.

Ladies.

Hear me out.

Now, I do have a very high tolerance for pain meds, and I like to think of myself as having a high tolerance of pain due to the severe cramps I've had since 11 and also from the lupus. If you should be like me and have a higher tolerance for pain meds, I highly advise you talk to your doctor about the possibility of stronger drugs. or at least in MY case that's what I had wished I had done, I'm by no means a doctor or advising you what to do. And by this time your probably running away screaming, thinking that the next thing I post is about the gigantic tool...

no. but I'm not going to lie: it was probably the most painful experience I've endured rather than breaking my ankle 2 years ago.

Me and B showed up at the hospital at crack of dawn. You check in at radiology, they brought me into this large xray room. Gown, check. Then you're put into a table in the middle of this room. I felt on display, as if the people behind the safety shield were studying me. then the MD came in (different MD then who I see now). The MD is very friendly, briefly explains and then proceeds to bring out the lovely speculum. I know you're supposed to be strong and brave and the means justify the end and all, but sometimes when you're in a room full of people having a speculum used on you, it just feels so horrifying. B was there the whole time, I think slightly anxed about the whole thing too. So then the catheter gets put up into your cervix..and it was a feeling I can't even explain. Then the dye came. and finally the cramps. The whole thing was literally less than a minute.

But the cramps. I thought it was just like, ok, this is like my WORST period cramps ever, I can deal. and then they went up a notch. and another, and another. and finally I was just laying there, and tears were coming down my face, just constant tears. i was in too much pain to even make a sound. the MD came over and said that for some women severe cramping, which can mimic labor pains, can happen, and unfortunately I was probably one of them. Another case in which I got the lucky straw of just the few % of women it happens to.

I laid there for a bit, B was unable to even comfort me. It's as if everyone in the room was gone and I was solely focused on this pain that I was sure going to kill me. it finally started to subside a bit, coming in waves. i sat up. i sat up for a bit, hunched over for some reason felt good.

2 tylenol. should have had some vicodin for this. i probably wouldn't have had such a horrid time.

Best part of this whole thing? i hadn't even made arrangements to be home. I still had to go into work. And so..I got into my car...and I went to work, crying the entire way. I got there..and couldn't get comfortable at all, still in raging waves of pain. I was getting worried that it was still doing this. I even had a mtg where I had to present something to an exec. It literally took every breathe of my body not to start crying in that mtg, and I knew everyone could see i wasn't right. I went home after that, actually went to my mom's and sat in her lazyboy recliner and didn't move for 5 hours. There's something about her recliner that has magical healing powers. whenever i really don't feel good or i go home sick from work, i end up there, and i really do feel better. maybe it's just having someone take care of me for a change..missing the daily mom factor.

so my tubes were clear. after that night i was ok, the next morning i was just tired.

so that's my HSG experience. it was horrible. I'm not going to lie and say oh it was just a little uncomfortable, take 2 tylenol and go about your day. it was absolutely brutal. However..I think what got me through it was knowing B was there, witnessing what I was willing to do, and I think it was that moment too where he realized how serious I was. and i think just that made it worth it.