Sunday, August 9, 2009

patience is..

nov 08-aug 09: fert docs.
spring 07-HSG in october 08: ob-gyn2
entire year of 06-metformin: ob-gyn1
entire year of 05: naturally (kinda talked to the np)

I think i wrote about patience last time. yeah. it really only goes for so long. everyone tells you patience is a virtue, that people who are patient have good things happen to them.

Being patient and doing everything "right" and still not having a baby while you watch everyone around you get pregnant by accident, does NOT help in the patience department. I think in one year 4 of my friends, one of my closest who is now an ex friend for a variety of reasons. she left me on voicemail that she was pregnant. she was the one person i had divulged all of what we were going through. and apparently it felt on deaf ears. i remember when she was pregnant, and she was talking about some boss of hers trying to get pregnant, and she said, "i don't know what the big deal is, it's so easy to get pregnant". That was the beginning of the end of that hypocritical and toxic friendship.

when you're not pregnant, you notice everyone who is. i did happen to have people near me who were. bosses, friends. you notice how they take everything for granted and it just makes you insanely angry. you get angry because they weren't even trying and their complaining about weight gain, you get angry because they bitch and moan that they only have 2 maternity tops and they don't like them anymore. I'd think, bitch, I'd wear the same shirt everyday for 3 months and gain 30lbs if it meant at the end I would get pregnant. and that shirt could have rhinestones and puff paint on it too!

I think after the dissolution of that friendship, I really retreated into myself. I didn't really talk to anyone, I didn't want to give out the ammo for attacks later on. i stuck to myself, i talked to brandon, at the time really didn't tell my mom anything, it was too weird to tell her this, i didn't know how she would handle it. plus i didn't really want to say the word ovulate to my mom. or make her think me and brandon had already gone all the way and weren't just holding hands and watching movies on the couch. but it was then i think, that a really dark time fell over me. i got depressed. nothing was happening, I was still cycling, I was still charting, no babies. holidays passed. people had babies. i was expected to be at showers, happy and smiling. and i did. but the whole drive back home i cried.

lately people have been having babies at work in droves. they bring them in, show and tell, and there are always the women who are nuts for babies and they want to hold them and talk about how they want more. i try to avoid these, and yes, it makes you look like an uncaring bitch, but it's almost unbearable when people say to you, "you should have one!!" and you wish you could just unleash this barrage of memories into their head and have them understand.

you can't ever explain how unfair it feels and you can't summarize the wave of emotions that you feel. it's something horrible and truthfully would never wish this upon anyone. you feel useless and barren, you start to wonder, what is the purpose of my being. if i can't have my own children, what is my purpose on earth? to make money and pay bills, to churn out useless projects you don't care about. i tried to blame everyone, i wanted a reason and i wanted someone to yell and scream at. but there wasn't anyone.

i've become so sensitive to everything everyone says. the "you should have a baby" translates to an entire novel you recite in your head on just why you can't have a baby and then suddenly i want to pull my computer out of it's sockets and throw it out the window. except the metformin makes me so tired i probably couldn't even do it.

if patience is not your virtue..i think that's ok.

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