Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It is what it is.

i feel rather defeated tonight. i wasn't sure whether to showcase the grief and anger that im feeling in this blog. i had wanted it to be a happy place, a memoir if you will, of what we've been through. it's a known fact im a dark cloud on everyone's rainbow, so i didn't want to fill it with paragraphs of how unfair and shitty this feels.

but im doing it anyways. because this is my story. and this is how i feel and im not repressing it or changing it. it's raw. this is me.

i feel downright hollow tonight.

my period started yesterday. bright red blood from bearing down, and then just rest of the day brown blood on the TP. a lot of bright red from bearing down tonight. and lots of cramping that's intermittant, but it's there.

everything about our IUI was perfect. the sample was great, i had a 20mm, the trigger shot, the IUI itself went perfectly, no backspill or cramping, nothing. i took it easy, i've been super good with doing everything right. and STILL it doesnt work.

everyone has told me that this isn't the last option, that this is only the first step. i just still can't seem to grasp my head around why the fuck can't something just once in a while, go good for me? why does EVERYTHING in my life have to be something i have to work hard for. and don't give me this, good things come to hard workers. "if it's good it's worth working hard for". those are just shit phrases to make you feel better because you aren't normal. crackheads can pop one out after another, but people who genuinely want one have to go into financial debt and almost verge of a nervous breakdown to even TRY to have a baby.

this period is going to be difficult. im going to probably break down because I know i have to go get pads at CVS. I can't even talk to brandon. its like, i have no desire to. I'm angry, and i want to be angry, i want to stew until my innards are cooked, and i want to be pissed off and fucking bullshit. and all he wants to do is just pick pick pick pick pick at me and keep asking what's wrong. don't you fucking know what's wrong? STOP ASKING!! I started half crying when i told him i want to be left alone, i want to be able to feel angry.

when my period comes, i have SEVERE pms. I've often thought I have PMDD, but no one will diagnose it. I can't stand being around anyone, everything brandon does annoys me, im just mentally unstable, i cry over everything, i usually end up crying for no reason on the way to work. it's a nightmare.

and this time it will be even worse.

the other times were hard just because the fact, bfn. but this time is harder. this time we actually DID something. we were monitored, i had 3 ultrasounds, i did the trigger shot, brandon did his sample, we had the IUI. and STILL. negative. big.fucking.fat.fucking.negative. They still want me to go in and have a blood test done on Friday. I think if im flowing by then we can safely say I don't need to do that. My cycle last month started the 22. we're coming up to the 22 again. the nurse said "well if you're bleeding, it is what it is, and we have next cycle".

Yesterday I must have made myself insane at work, googling implantation bleeding. there's one thing i know that all women who are TTC are well accustomed to, and also partially dating: GOOGLE. I searched: implantation bleeding, bright red implantation bleeding, I had implantation bleeding, what kind of bleeding from implanation, etc. In my hopes that possibly this was implantation bleeding. Yet I know in my desire for this to be real, for it to have happened, I'm deluding myself into believing that this is implantation bleeding and not my period. Everytime someone posts "yeah i had bright red blood..." I'd get this flicker of hope. I need to accept that this is not me. This is truly my period. As i sit here writing this, im having cramps.

I was so damn positive too. we were positive. the day we had the IUI we went to target and I saw this cute baby crib bumper set. I haven't gotten baby stuff in a long time. I didn't allow myself to because honestly I believed it would never happen. I felt so positive and so good that I bought it. and now it's sitting in this target bag. It's like an empty promise. a failed future. an unfilled wish that's just now a solid physical piece of depression and all that is my body's failure that's sitting in that target bag. I'm just going to take it back. i don't want it in my house.

i can't focus at work anymore. i keep getting distracted and i want to get lost in the internet. or i want to come home and watch tv for hours and hours on end. just lost in the couch and in the hum of the televion set that lets my mind go somewhere else into other people's lives and problems. maybe it's the pms tonight. maybe it's the mix of that and my utter failure and disappointment.

i don't feel like trying anymore. i don't feel like wasting anymore money. its never going to work. we'll never have a baby. we've been together since we were 16. and we'll never be able to experience having a baby. i don't want to adopt, its not something i want nor could do. i know all the "this isn't the end of the road" crap, but it sure does feel like it. i keep thinking, maybe i'm just too fat to have a baby. maybe im really not deserving of it. you don't see fat women pregnant. i feel like..maybe this is my punishment for being fat. maybe i just need to have the gastric bypass and lose all this weight and then think about having a baby. i'll be over 30 by then. i wanted to have my 2 kids before 30. i don't want to be an older mother.

my life never works the way i want it to. ever. sometimes i feel like giving up on life.

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