Sunday, August 9, 2009

cyster cysters

When you're trying to have a baby and you have PCOS, everytime you don't get your period you suddenly get overwhelmed with this anxiety. Am i pregnant, should i have that piece of sushi that's already in mid-air towards mouth? could this really be it? are my nipples sore? (if not you preceed to keep seeing and thus making them sore) did i miss the symptoms? oh im not pregnant, it's the PCOS. Am i pregnant, but maybe i am?

This almost ADD cycle of questions cycled in my head everytime I would miss a period. and being a 'cyster' (yeah, that's the term the forums/docs use) you miss your period a lot. or you get it weird times. or it'll just be like, "hey, do you like this new outfit!! and show you on days that aren't so great to get them, like, oh, weddings".

We unofficially started trying 5 years ago, officially 4. We partied it up for a year and nothing happened, and then knowing something was not going right, i don't have cravings for pickles yet, lets go see someone.

I had always thought I had had PCOS. I had done enough research, I was almost a match to the T sans the excess body hair EVERYWHERE which is a symptom I fortunately did not get. But the nurse practioner I had seen (in highschool) swore I was just not getting my cycles because of my weight (im a big girl) and that I was so stressed out (Im an insane geek/nerd, at the time grades=life). The same thing happened in college when I would go for my yearly visits. Stress, weight, don't eat the cookies, you'll menstruate. But I didn't eat the cookies, and actually lost weight, and no cycle. I finally saw someone else and was diagnosed.

THIS my friends, is where i tell you: ADVOCATE for yourself!!! I was dumb and too busy worrying if i was going to get an A+ in chemistry for nerds, to actually fight the diagnosis. In retrospect, going back, I would have absolutely gotten a second opinion immediately. Think of it this way: you are paying these doctors, it's your money, get a second opinion and if it's the same, well then ok, but if it's not, it could mean a whole worlds of difference.

I had changed doctors a lot. I went to the same NP until I felt irritated about never finding out why my cycles were off. I had met other big girls in college who didn't have this problem. So I went to another doctor, who was the one who diagnosed me, but I never actually saw her. I only saw NP's.

That visit was probably one of the worst.

I already knew I had PCOS. I had already googled it and scared the shit out of myself of all the possibilities and grief and not happenings I was going to endure if I had ever wanted a baby. I had already convinced myself there was no hope, that ALL of my eggs' quality was already at 50% and I was just doing this to have something on paper, and that me and brandon should accept we'll be the cat parents forever. but there's always that little tiny bit of hope in you that says, "you know maybe it's the fact that ok, i do sneak cookies every once in a while and i could stop that".

But seeing your ovaries up on the screen, those little black circles staring back at you like ugly eyes of some sort of creature that's pointing a middle finger at you, except it's a black and circular finger. i remember laying there and thinking I needed a plan. I NEED a plan, otherwise my whole world just fell apart. I just remember feeling angry. I was 23 when it was officially discovered. I had asked about this when I was 16. I think I was replacing my grief with anger. Because you know, you do grieve. You grieve for why can't you be normal, why can't this be easy. Laying there I knew that any baby journey I wanted was not going to be easy, and for a woman, that's not easy to accept. It's not supposed to be injections and tubes and ultrasounds and fert drugs or petri dishes. Its supposed to be you and your partner, intimate, close, creating something. so yeah. it sucked.

That doctor decided i should go on the drug Metformin. metformin is a nasty, vicious, i think created by satan, drug that one uses to control insulin. They started me up on the largest dose, 2000mg, but they didn't tell me all the symptoms. You start up slowly on it, but even then, it punches you to the ground with it's backlash of evil.

This is the time where I guess I tell you: TMI.

Metformin's biggest side effect is it's lovely ability to disrupt your intestinal process. If you loved your salad at lunchtime, well never fear, you will see it again in about..oh..probably an hour. And then you might be reminded of it every 15 minutes afterwards for the next 5 hours after that. The most horrible, rocket like, diarrhea a person can imagine, and followed by cramps where you thought your intestines might have just come out. I lost 20lbs the first 2 months. But it would have been super nice to know this as I had just started a new job at a publishing company. Cute little place in NH, fun sporty women, good times all around. but quiet office. the bathroom. was. on.the.first.floor. and it echoed. it was a nightmare. I actually ended up only staying there for like 6 months anyways.

I went to my MD about these horrid side effects and how I just generally felt like shit. I was told, gotta stick it out, try it with food. TRY IT WITH FOOD??? I had gotten a period on it, actually started getting them in a row, so they didn't want me to stop. Eventually they heard my misery and let me reduce the levels to 500mg, which for the most part I still get cycles with, but not the horrid symptoms (though they do come and go sometimes).

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