Sunday, March 14, 2010

inner junkie.

somewhere around the beginning of February I was scheduled to have my appt with the office dietician/nutritionist. I figured it was to learn more about pregnant diet plans. Since i'm definitely on the cushy side of the weight spectrum, I know weight gain was a concern for them.

Loaded with questions about what foods to swap with, my trusty brown notebook I've been carrying with me everywhere, I sat down only to find out that this indeed was not about my love affair with potatoes.

it was to learn how to use a glucometer and test my blood sugar.

4 times a day.


I know I've read everywhere that gestational diabetes comes up late in the second trimester, but I really didn't understand why I had to start then. I was a little put off, felt like maybe it was because i'm heavier and it was just a discrimination thing (because thin women get GD too).

I'm really, really, really, really, really not a fan of needles. the very fact I still don't cry like a baby getting blood drawn still really blows my mind away. especially since i was born with thread thin veins and have to get stuck multiple times in my hand (fun times!) to get any blood. I'm always the "challenge" to the nurses who kind of play at it like a game, which at times is irritating. it's like..dude..come on..don't stick my arm 33939 times when i've already told you no. ugh.

The nutritionist showed me how to use the meter, told me to pick up mine at the pharmacy and that I would from now on test 4x a day, once when I first get up, and then an hour after every meal. not a fun time..more like a human chemistry test.

I had a hard time dealing with this. I also had gone for a long time not hearing or knowing if the baby was ok. I got super frustrated at my sugars spiking anytime I ate a carb of any form. i felt like it was all just pointless if the baby wasn't still alive or ok.

So don't do what I did. which was to decide to cut out all carbs and go on a meat and veggie only marathon. which was super hard because: 1. we eat a lot of rice in our house and 2. we don't eat a lot of meat. by the end of the week i felt like absolute crap. just tired, weak, overall not very good. I got a call from the nurse (who had been getting my sugars all along) and she said I was going to have to go on insulin.


my sugars were too high and that I also needed to test ketones (for anyone who doesn't know, you pee on a stick and match the colors).

My next appointment with the nutritionist was 3 days from then. My ketones were incredibly high, I had lost 5lbs, and was schooled on all the ways this is bad. That your body and the baby needs carbs and will consume your fat to make up for it and produce keytones which are toxic. so armed with my new insulin injecting pen, i was sent home to stick myself in the stomach once again. THIS TIME instead of the long ovidrel needle from the fert days, it was half the length.

Ladies, if you are terrified of needles as I am, please please PLEASE don't sweat this! You honestly CANNOT feel the needle go in. It's the fear factor and total terrifying sweat you have before. I knew it wasn't going to hurt, but I still hesitated. I also must have wasted who knows how much squirting it out to make sure there were no air bubbles. BTW I asked about that and it's not going to kill you even if a tiny bubble gets in because it's not going into your vein. You can do this. Big needle p*ssy here did it, I know you can too. Think about how delicious those tortilla chips or big bowl of spanish rice is going to taste.

So now i'm on insulin for dinner's only so far. I also have to take a long lasting nighttime one at 9pm. I bought a cute case for all of my needles and pens to be in, makes it not seem so gross. But i've also changed my way of thinking. It's not about the fact I can't have that delicious fried chicken sandwich and french fries, it's about not having a 30lb baby who will have a sugar crash.

I get super technical too, kind of in a nerdy way, so almost in this messed up what's-wrong-with-that-chick kind of way I get excited seeing what my numbers are after what I eat. I track every bite that goes into my mouth. Carb counting is not fun. You won't learn it overnight, hell I still don't understand how to calculate a lot. but you can do it.

so yeah..i'm a chemistry test at it's finest. plus, i have more ammo when the kid ever says "you never loved me!" and that's when daddy has his talk about how crazy mommy was while pregnant and shoved needles into herself daily just because of how much love she has.


leftover feelings.

Today has been a difficult day to get through. nothing traumatic has happened, no event of unusual nature. just a rainy sunday. but i've just felt overwrought with emotions and feelings.

certain things bring up memories for me. small things i've written, images, music, even places. they remind me of events and times in my life, and not always good. there's one specific soundtrack that i listened to quite a lot while we were trying to conceive. i don't know why, there was something about it. It was the score to the movie the Fountain, which if you try to watch the entire thing, don't be surprised if you feel completely and absolutely emotionally destroyed and changed by the end. it makes you feel raw. you feel his loss and desperation. just as we were always feeling loss and desperation. people don't like to talk about the "other" side of trying to conceive. it's always "stay positive", "look at the brighter side", "it'll happen one day!". but what if never did happen? what if all you wanted to do was come home and break everything in your house because yet again, your body failed you. what if all you wanted to do was scream so loud you lost your voice? you hated the hated your body. you felt betrayed. for me, every single little thing would come flooding into my mind. i'd sit and listen to that music and just cry. totally alone in my room, not wanting to give b anymore of my negative energy.

it came onto rotation on my itunes today and i've just not been able to concentrate. all of this still doesn't feel real to me. it feels likes like some weird dream limbo i'm in, where it's kind of real, but i'm still not quite sure. i was folding some of the baby clothes i've gotten, putting them in bins and whatnot, and it just felt like a task i was doing for someone. maybe this is how it feels for all fertility patients? do you just not feel connected?

the past (almost 6) years were so dark. no one really knew what we were going through. i didn't open up and tell anyone until the last 1.5. people probably wondered why i was always so depressed. why i couldn't just be happy or positive about anything life. you start to wonder where your life is going to go. what the purpose of it is. not to have one of the most human experiences you can have.

for right now i'll hold onto what i can for as long as i can. now it's not about me anymore.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


Because so much time has passed and so much has happened, I thought I'd write a generalized post about ultrasounds.

Ultrasound I: 5 weeks
My first ultrasound was a dating ultrasound. No, don't think that way. I know the rooms are dark and the mood light is set, but really come on, last thing you feel is sexy with a piece of paper draped over your naked rear end while legs are in the air. They wanted to find out exactly how far along I was (which I thought was kind of funny because we all knew when my IUI was, but hey i'm a visual person, I'll take any pictures I can get).

Don't be surprised if you're this early and they still do the vag ultrasound. Oh vag ultrasound. If you're a fertility patient, you will come to know vag ultrasound all too well. It almost feels like cheating at some point. A really weird twisted fetish..form of cheating. BUT I digress. again!

Up on the screen came the uterus, just a little black circle, and suddenly you could see a little whitish blip. So incredibly small. But near it was a larger white circle. "that's the yolk sac" the tech said. All I could do was just watch it, just mystified that those images were indeed, from what was inside of me. Luckily I dated exactly what they thought.

Ultrasound II: 6 weeks.

Well being pregnant has it's good side I guess. It makes you EXTREMELY HORNY. Your husband/partner will never look more appealing, or smell more appealing. At least this was in my case. B just exuded sex to me. I'd sit at work trying to focus but honestly thinking of just ripping his clothes off as soon as I got home. Like some really bad made werewolf movie where everyone lived, but shredded clothes were all over the house. But unfortunately I had some bleeding after our rendezvous, and they had me come in for an ultrasound. Not much more, just a little bit bigger, but looked pretty much the same as the first.

Ultrasound III: 8 weeks.
This was my first Dr. appt and because they wanted to find the heartbeat, which I was just flabbergasted you could even see at this point. Heartbeat? Baby? Mine? What? Hello? So in we go again, hot paper cover, condom covered probe (hot). This time on the screen the little blip had gotten much larger, and the sac much smaller. And in the middle of the blip (should I even be referring to the baby as a blip, but really that's what it looked like) was a little blinking gray area. "that's the heartbeating" the tech said. I don't know how I felt at that point..I was in shock, or maybe just disbelief. Again I felt like I was just there for fun, being dirty with the probe, watching a screen with someone else's pictures. really? it has a heartbeat now? wow...

Ultrasound IV: 10 weeks
My regular doctors appoint. We could find the heartbeat on doppler so the Dr. said lets see if Ultrasound can do a quick scan. Paper cover, condom covered probe (even hotter) and suddenly it wasn't just a blip anymore. You could see a shape. You could tell where a head was, little tiny fat limb buds. and the other thing which I was NOT expecting: it was moving. B was there, and I almost screamed out, "OMG IT'S MOVING!" because I honestly thought it'd just be floating in the vast fluid of my uterus. It kept wiggling it's hips and sticking out it's little arm buds. The tech just let us watch for a couple minutes because we were just totally in shock that this little baby was now moving. It wasn't just a blip anymore, it was a baby. I must have stared at this picture for the entire day, probably days after, imagining it wiggling.

Ultrasound V: 12 weeks: first trimester screen.
Now this ultrasound has provided me with days of restless sleep and worry. It's a test to see if the baby has DS or any other anomalies that might occur early, such as Trisomy 13 and 18 (both which are basically fatal genetic flaws). B didn't come with me for this one just because of work, so I was on my own. I think the level of apprehension of what was going to be found mixed with should I even get excited to see the baby. I have had a hard time with anxiety during this pregnancy and attachment was definitely an issue. I hadn't felt attached. I think by detaching a bit I was emotionally protecting myself in the case something bad would happen. (i'm still kind of grappling with this). Anyways, into the room I go, ready to again have my encounter with the probe. "oh you don't need that, we're going to do it on top of your stomach from now on". OMG. I said my goodbyes to the probe..we had after all developed a pretty close relationship by now. I promised it we'd probably see each other in the future and I would send holiday cards.

ANYWAYS. suddenly the baby comes up on the screen, and it's much, much bigger than the last time. I think that's what's shocking is just how different it will look in just a matter of short time. Baby was moving and sticking it's arms up and just wiggling around. It wasn't in the best position though for measuring. They like the baby to be laying on its back, facing forward like I am, but instead, baby was flipped over staring at my butt. of course.

It took quite a while just to get the measurements they needed, but I was ok with that. It was almost an hour just watching the baby wiggle it's body, turn it's head, stick it's little arms out. After, and some might not tell you this, you get a blood test also. They stick your finger and then literally milk the blood out of it while it drips on these pieces of paper they send out. Ok, so my finger might still hurt from the milking. No fun. No fun either is the U/S goo that you keep finding all day that you're like, Omg, I know I cleaned myself up, WTF is this still here, and where did it come from. I'm convinced the goo seeps into your pores and anytime you get excited or think about the baby, it seeps out. Like some really deranged alien ability but it's just you excitement. Or maybe right now I have a lack of sleep and that's my only suitable explanation for the finding of more goo after almost an entire kleenex box is used. come...

Monday, March 1, 2010

Telling the parents

We decided not to tell ANYONE, not even my parents, until Christmas. 1. We wanted to wait a little bit before announcing in fear of anything bad happening, or losing the pregnancy and 2. it would be so much more special to tell them creatively on Christmas.

Turns out my progesterone was low so for the first trimester I had to take progesterone supplements in the morning and night. It was difficult at first making time for myself, but I soon learned it was necessary and also! Bonus! It made you super sleepy and I would just lull off to sleep.

At Christmas we were 6 weeks along. We decided to take one of our ultrasound pics, put it in a frame, and then wrap it up in this really fancy box with a huge bow, and then wait until it was the last gift to give to mom, who would inevitably cry and go hysterical. The whole morning me and B were just full of jitters and nervous emotion. It was so hard not to just blurt out "MOM I'M PREGNANT!!" Finally we just couldn't take it anymore and gave her the box. She opened it, looked at it like, "wtf is this" and then looked up at me, already teary, and asked, "is this really?? are you?? is this true?" and I said yes, and she just burst into tears. Full on waterworks. This lasted a good half hour to tell you the truth! Finally she was hugging me and looking at the picture of our little bean.

The day would have been perfect had it not been for my brother's wife, having to bring along her friend named Immaturity to the party. She just really has no idea what we went through to get here, and she threw a temper tantrum and words were said. But you know what—I didn't let her bother me. It was me and B's day, we went through a lot to get there, and promptly after the commotion, I fell asleep on the couch.

Sleep will become your new best friend.


So Yes, you'll see this post is from way past the last post. Life suddenly took over and I just didn't have the energy to post or be anywhere else than my bed in my free time unless I HAD to. But I'll go back and recap each important step along the way. Lots of things happened. Getting pregnant was only one step. Little did I know of the countless, trying, steps later. But it's all worth it in the end!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

We're finally pregnant!

We're finally pregnant!!

I guess i'm still in a state of shock about this. I asked the nurse if she was pulling a trick on me, belated halloween love, but no. I was shaking all over, just couldn't believe that this was finally happening for us. I spoke to her for a while and got my schedule for the labs I'd be having over the next few days.

The next thing I did was drive to see B at work. I couldn't contain this news and I couldn't tell him on the phone. I tricked him out of the building with some lie about insurance papers needing to be signed. I wrote on a piece of paper I gave him, "we're pregnant!". He looked at it for a minute, then at me, and then said, " are you serious??!?!?" and I said, "yes!" and he started to hug and kiss me. I started to cry a little, but tried to stop because I knew we'd become emotional messes. Both of us just wanted to leave work and go home and be together.

I'll never forget that afternoon. It was a monday. the first monday after thanksgiving. I almost didn't stay at the lab because of the long wait. It was raining. I remember the beads of water running down the windshield as the wipers cleared them off, holding B's hand.

Our lives are getting ready to change. and i can't wait:)

Monday, November 30, 2009

11/30/09 10:22 AM

I got this email from the fert nurse:
call the office :):):)